Entry 6

When you lose someone every one reacts differently. It has taken me some time to get my mind around the idea that their body is gone. For me, that was the first step. To come to terms with the fact that you will never have a hug from them, breath in their familiar smell and see their face light up with each different emotion. I always remembered my Grandma smiling, the smile would always reach her eyes and it gave you a comfort that you were somewhere you could simply be yourself and be loved. I also remember her frown when scalding poor Lizzy her little westie. Lizzy was the sweetest creature ever, timid and obedient - unlike a typical westie. And she will forever be engrained in my mind as my Grandma's walking companion and devoted guardian. I even still envision them walking around the same streets together.

Now comes the stage where I am having to accept that she is now around me in spirit form. Many people have different interpretations or ideas of what that means. To me, it is the memory, the spark and essence of her that is now passed on to her loved ones. She is around me, she isn't in a grave or a predetermined place. She is the very movements I make, there at each and every one of my choices, the comforting boost in the pit of my stomach. She is a crystal clear window that allows me to look over our times together, the clarity of each wonderful moment which affects all my senses. She is the love that holds the family together, she is the one who always helped me fix things and helped me to understand the hard times I was going through as a young teenager. She always believed I was more than what I ever thought I was, and now - how can I ever let her down?

Entry 5

I'll never be "one of those girls."
The ones who show up to lunch with perfectly co-ordinated outfits and a sleek appearance. The ones who look gorgeous and glow.  I often want to tell them that they look awesome.
I will probably have mud on my jeans somewhere or a rip in my leggings, and often sport a weird baggy t shirt. My hair isn't shiny and coloured in a cool way, and I almost always look tired. Sure I can make an effort and love to but it will never be as prim or polished -  and I often have scuffed shoes and dangling threads! But I like me this way, as anything else wouldn't be me. Even if the burning monster of envy occasionally comes into play. I honestly don't think I could be different even if I tried. Hello, I am Rose Jekyll <3

Entry 4

Fed up. Royally fed up.
I don't know how else to put it. I'm nervous and feel awful but just need to keep plodding along. The only thing sparking any kind of interest is the thought of buying myself things. General crap like hoodies and cosy jumpers. It gives me a glimmer of satisfaction and pleasure when feeling blue. Probably simply a waste of time. The thrill of the buy and then the wait and finally the wear.. never quite as satisfying as we want it to be. More crap, more stuff. More baggage to make me feel better. And despite knowing this I want to ignore it. I want a treat. I want to spend my money on goodies for myself to make me feel special or good or like I am more capable. Pathetic maybe? But everyone does it in their own way. And what really is the harm? Providing it doesn't eat into my wages too much.. I guess I just feel wasteful and selfish. Shallow too. But I don't really trust my feelings right now in this moody state. I just want a boost.

Entry 3

I don't want to do anything at the moment. I don't want to see anyone either. People and their agendas and conversations are almost too much right now - at least I can maintain it for work purposes but I can't be bothered to fake it with people I care about.
I just want to shut my eyes and scream - I feel so frustrated and exhausted. I'm not where I want to be but I cannot be bothered to fix the situation.. or maybe I am too tired and scared to change things?
I just want Netflix and a cup of tea when I come home. I want to do Pilates and stretches, NOT run in the freezing weather. I want new clothes to replace old shit that I feel makes me look frumpy. I want a new space in my home, I want to decorate and hibernate away from the world. I want TIME.
Why do I never seem to have any? It feels like living takes up time and there are demands for the little time I have to make others happy, to be directional, to learn, to be something, to even clean the damn house. I just want SPACE. And TIME. Is it so much to ask?

24/1/19

Breakfast: Wheatabix, cup of tea

Snack: Mixed nuts

Lunch: Salad with mixed pulses and quinoa, Ryvita
Dessert - apple, plum

Snack: Raisins, sesame seed bar

After-work snack - Half a chocolate bar


Dinner: Couscous salad with vegetable burger, humous and carrot sticks


Exercise: Pilates and some weight exercises

entry 2

Everyone has methods of coping.
Some people shut themselves away from the world, while others throw themselves into it. I, for example, try and "treat" myself often to keep my morale up as I regretfully use a positive-negative reinforcement strategy. This is harmless mostly but it can make me obsessive, agitated and sometimes exceed feelings of worthlessness when I'm with or without a "treat."
I worry about Jason shutting himself away. In fact, I worry about Gavin doing that too. They both are showing that they don't want to deal with the situations at hand by escaping into a fantasy world through gaming. It is hard as I want them to be comforted but not close themselves away.
Jason could do with exploring other ways to escape constructively as a short-term solution, e.g. hiking (possibly with friends), camping, having some time to just be himself etc. He always seems dissatisfied and it is difficult for me to know what to do and say when he is constantly wanting to change. I know I am similar but at least I am a broken record! Jason seems to want to push to something new all the time and then when he gets there he is not happy with the result. I wish I knew how to offer the best advice. For now I think he just wants to avoid it all. How can I help now?

I suppose the best way would to just act normal..? Avoid making him confront it until he is ready, because he is a grown man and needs to make that decision on his own. So simply.. be supportive? And caring? It is hard not jumping in to "save" him but that is something I need to avoid doing entirely. I cannot take away someone's opportunity to learn and figure it out for themselves.
That in itself is preventing them from accountability and burdening myself with things that I simply cannot solve for them. Maybe advice should be shelved for now. Maybe he just needs a friend and someone to make him smile.

23/01/19

Breakfast: Wheatabix, cup of tea

Snack: Blueberries

Lunch: Leftovers - Mexican mix (veg, spinach, seasoning, soya chicken), Ryvita
Dessert - apple

Snack: Mixed nuts

After-work snack: Hot chocolate


Dinner: Homemade corn fritters, boiled potatoes (butter, coriander), quinoa (stock cube, peas), salad (spinach, tomato, cucumber), chilli dipping sauce.



Exercise: Pilates, stretches, weight core.

22/1/19

breakfast: wheatabix/soya. coffee
snack: blueberries, ryvita
lunch: salad with mixed beans and fake chicken, dessert - apple
snack: nuts, sesame seed bar Dinner: Mexican wraps (soya chicken, veg, seasoning) with avocado and salsa

Exercise: pilates and some core exercises