New entry

 Sometimes I think about killing myself, a lot more than I should. I think about it as release from being this awful shit person and escaping emotions and situations I just can't deal with. And I'm a coward. Someone who can't cope with simple things. A selfish child and pathetic person.  But all the time a part of me is screaming to be included, noticed, actually listened to and seen. I feel no one listens to me, they just hear my voice and sometimes pick up words. Am I just not important enough to listen to? Or is what I say the real problem? I am just sick of everything and i know it hurts others but I'm hurting so much all the time that on some level I want others to see it, to understand how it feels to feel ignored and rejected - all by just feeling like a problem rather than a person. 

New

I do hope you're actually okay. I sometimes really can't tell when we message. I know we get tired but we used to video call for hours and now it feels like just staged texts. It's not even been a year and I'm already feeling like there is a distance and i am sure some of this is my fault. I didnt realise how ill i was but relationships seem to break me because i want things to work so badly and yet I'm so frightened of the pain and navigating everything with someone. This is why i want to give everything to you and have nothing left for me because i feel i don't know how to show love properly. I give and just wait for the same back i guess but no self respecting person is gonna empty themselves like that. I just think i dont know how to love and honestly i dont feel like being here anymore. I feel this all the time and it never really goes away. I try to reframe it and change myself but ultimately fear and anger just pull me back to this self hatred. I feel unloved right now. Whether it is true or not i feel it. I feel like no one can see me, i spent all day holding it together and then break apart at night. Crying my eyes out for hours and shaking just wanting to leave but knowing I can't.  Then I zone out for a while. I send texts to check on others, I send you positive messages to let you know that you're not alone and I'm proud of you. I can't feel anything back. I don't feel anything and right now it feels disconnected anyway. I feel like I am a problem not a partner so I work hard to be the right way. But it hurts and the isolation inside makes me feel worthless and not deserving of real love and adoration.  What I feel for you. So I go cold, I shut down and continue on automatic. But it's showing it's ugliness at times and the frustration at me returns, why I can't be better? And again I want to die because I feel i can't truly fit in with anyone. I will mask all my life because seeing my pain is too difficult. Or I'll medicate because my emotions are too much. I feel wrong. But then I'll simmer down, sleep eventually and then get up and start again. Trying to be right and make it all work, give love and go the extra mile to show my children and you how much you mean. Just hoping that all my love will be enough to distract me from the fact I feel empty and that how i feel doesn't really matter. 

Entry 6

When you lose someone every one reacts differently. It has taken me some time to get my mind around the idea that their body is gone. For me, that was the first step. To come to terms with the fact that you will never have a hug from them, breath in their familiar smell and see their face light up with each different emotion. I always remembered my Grandma smiling, the smile would always reach her eyes and it gave you a comfort that you were somewhere you could simply be yourself and be loved. I also remember her frown when scalding poor Lizzy her little westie. Lizzy was the sweetest creature ever, timid and obedient - unlike a typical westie. And she will forever be engrained in my mind as my Grandma's walking companion and devoted guardian. I even still envision them walking around the same streets together.

Now comes the stage where I am having to accept that she is now around me in spirit form. Many people have different interpretations or ideas of what that means. To me, it is the memory, the spark and essence of her that is now passed on to her loved ones. She is around me, she isn't in a grave or a predetermined place. She is the very movements I make, there at each and every one of my choices, the comforting boost in the pit of my stomach. She is a crystal clear window that allows me to look over our times together, the clarity of each wonderful moment which affects all my senses. She is the love that holds the family together, she is the one who always helped me fix things and helped me to understand the hard times I was going through as a young teenager. She always believed I was more than what I ever thought I was, and now - how can I ever let her down?

Entry 5

I'll never be "one of those girls."
The ones who show up to lunch with perfectly co-ordinated outfits and a sleek appearance. The ones who look gorgeous and glow.  I often want to tell them that they look awesome.
I will probably have mud on my jeans somewhere or a rip in my leggings, and often sport a weird baggy t shirt. My hair isn't shiny and coloured in a cool way, and I almost always look tired. Sure I can make an effort and love to but it will never be as prim or polished -  and I often have scuffed shoes and dangling threads! But I like me this way, as anything else wouldn't be me. Even if the burning monster of envy occasionally comes into play. I honestly don't think I could be different even if I tried. Hello, I am Rose Jekyll <3

Entry 4

Fed up. Royally fed up.
I don't know how else to put it. I'm nervous and feel awful but just need to keep plodding along. The only thing sparking any kind of interest is the thought of buying myself things. General crap like hoodies and cosy jumpers. It gives me a glimmer of satisfaction and pleasure when feeling blue. Probably simply a waste of time. The thrill of the buy and then the wait and finally the wear.. never quite as satisfying as we want it to be. More crap, more stuff. More baggage to make me feel better. And despite knowing this I want to ignore it. I want a treat. I want to spend my money on goodies for myself to make me feel special or good or like I am more capable. Pathetic maybe? But everyone does it in their own way. And what really is the harm? Providing it doesn't eat into my wages too much.. I guess I just feel wasteful and selfish. Shallow too. But I don't really trust my feelings right now in this moody state. I just want a boost.

Entry 3

I don't want to do anything at the moment. I don't want to see anyone either. People and their agendas and conversations are almost too much right now - at least I can maintain it for work purposes but I can't be bothered to fake it with people I care about.
I just want to shut my eyes and scream - I feel so frustrated and exhausted. I'm not where I want to be but I cannot be bothered to fix the situation.. or maybe I am too tired and scared to change things?
I just want Netflix and a cup of tea when I come home. I want to do Pilates and stretches, NOT run in the freezing weather. I want new clothes to replace old shit that I feel makes me look frumpy. I want a new space in my home, I want to decorate and hibernate away from the world. I want TIME.
Why do I never seem to have any? It feels like living takes up time and there are demands for the little time I have to make others happy, to be directional, to learn, to be something, to even clean the damn house. I just want SPACE. And TIME. Is it so much to ask?

24/1/19

Breakfast: Wheatabix, cup of tea

Snack: Mixed nuts

Lunch: Salad with mixed pulses and quinoa, Ryvita
Dessert - apple, plum

Snack: Raisins, sesame seed bar

After-work snack - Half a chocolate bar


Dinner: Couscous salad with vegetable burger, humous and carrot sticks


Exercise: Pilates and some weight exercises