Fed up. Royally fed up.
I don't know how else to put it. I'm nervous and feel awful but just need to keep plodding along. The only thing sparking any kind of interest is the thought of buying myself things. General crap like hoodies and cosy jumpers. It gives me a glimmer of satisfaction and pleasure when feeling blue. Probably simply a waste of time. The thrill of the buy and then the wait and finally the wear.. never quite as satisfying as we want it to be. More crap, more stuff. More baggage to make me feel better. And despite knowing this I want to ignore it. I want a treat. I want to spend my money on goodies for myself to make me feel special or good or like I am more capable. Pathetic maybe? But everyone does it in their own way. And what really is the harm? Providing it doesn't eat into my wages too much.. I guess I just feel wasteful and selfish. Shallow too. But I don't really trust my feelings right now in this moody state. I just want a boost.
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Entry 3
I don't want to do anything at the moment. I don't want to see anyone either. People and their agendas and conversations are almost too much right now - at least I can maintain it for work purposes but I can't be bothered to fake it with people I care about.
I just want to shut my eyes and scream - I feel so frustrated and exhausted. I'm not where I want to be but I cannot be bothered to fix the situation.. or maybe I am too tired and scared to change things?
I just want Netflix and a cup of tea when I come home. I want to do Pilates and stretches, NOT run in the freezing weather. I want new clothes to replace old shit that I feel makes me look frumpy. I want a new space in my home, I want to decorate and hibernate away from the world. I want TIME.
Why do I never seem to have any? It feels like living takes up time and there are demands for the little time I have to make others happy, to be directional, to learn, to be something, to even clean the damn house. I just want SPACE. And TIME. Is it so much to ask?
I just want to shut my eyes and scream - I feel so frustrated and exhausted. I'm not where I want to be but I cannot be bothered to fix the situation.. or maybe I am too tired and scared to change things?
I just want Netflix and a cup of tea when I come home. I want to do Pilates and stretches, NOT run in the freezing weather. I want new clothes to replace old shit that I feel makes me look frumpy. I want a new space in my home, I want to decorate and hibernate away from the world. I want TIME.
Why do I never seem to have any? It feels like living takes up time and there are demands for the little time I have to make others happy, to be directional, to learn, to be something, to even clean the damn house. I just want SPACE. And TIME. Is it so much to ask?
Thursday, January 24, 2019
24/1/19
Breakfast: Wheatabix, cup of tea
Snack: Mixed nuts
Lunch: Salad with mixed pulses and quinoa, Ryvita
Dessert - apple, plum
Snack: Raisins, sesame seed bar
After-work snack - Half a chocolate bar
Dinner: Couscous salad with vegetable burger, humous and carrot sticks
Exercise: Pilates and some weight exercises
Snack: Mixed nuts
Lunch: Salad with mixed pulses and quinoa, Ryvita
Dessert - apple, plum
Snack: Raisins, sesame seed bar
After-work snack - Half a chocolate bar
Dinner: Couscous salad with vegetable burger, humous and carrot sticks
Exercise: Pilates and some weight exercises
entry 2
Everyone has methods of coping.
Some people shut themselves away from the world, while others throw themselves into it. I, for example, try and "treat" myself often to keep my morale up as I regretfully use a positive-negative reinforcement strategy. This is harmless mostly but it can make me obsessive, agitated and sometimes exceed feelings of worthlessness when I'm with or without a "treat."
I worry about Jason shutting himself away. In fact, I worry about Gavin doing that too. They both are showing that they don't want to deal with the situations at hand by escaping into a fantasy world through gaming. It is hard as I want them to be comforted but not close themselves away.
Jason could do with exploring other ways to escape constructively as a short-term solution, e.g. hiking (possibly with friends), camping, having some time to just be himself etc. He always seems dissatisfied and it is difficult for me to know what to do and say when he is constantly wanting to change. I know I am similar but at least I am a broken record! Jason seems to want to push to something new all the time and then when he gets there he is not happy with the result. I wish I knew how to offer the best advice. For now I think he just wants to avoid it all. How can I help now?
I suppose the best way would to just act normal..? Avoid making him confront it until he is ready, because he is a grown man and needs to make that decision on his own. So simply.. be supportive? And caring? It is hard not jumping in to "save" him but that is something I need to avoid doing entirely. I cannot take away someone's opportunity to learn and figure it out for themselves.
That in itself is preventing them from accountability and burdening myself with things that I simply cannot solve for them. Maybe advice should be shelved for now. Maybe he just needs a friend and someone to make him smile.
Some people shut themselves away from the world, while others throw themselves into it. I, for example, try and "treat" myself often to keep my morale up as I regretfully use a positive-negative reinforcement strategy. This is harmless mostly but it can make me obsessive, agitated and sometimes exceed feelings of worthlessness when I'm with or without a "treat."
I worry about Jason shutting himself away. In fact, I worry about Gavin doing that too. They both are showing that they don't want to deal with the situations at hand by escaping into a fantasy world through gaming. It is hard as I want them to be comforted but not close themselves away.
Jason could do with exploring other ways to escape constructively as a short-term solution, e.g. hiking (possibly with friends), camping, having some time to just be himself etc. He always seems dissatisfied and it is difficult for me to know what to do and say when he is constantly wanting to change. I know I am similar but at least I am a broken record! Jason seems to want to push to something new all the time and then when he gets there he is not happy with the result. I wish I knew how to offer the best advice. For now I think he just wants to avoid it all. How can I help now?
I suppose the best way would to just act normal..? Avoid making him confront it until he is ready, because he is a grown man and needs to make that decision on his own. So simply.. be supportive? And caring? It is hard not jumping in to "save" him but that is something I need to avoid doing entirely. I cannot take away someone's opportunity to learn and figure it out for themselves.
That in itself is preventing them from accountability and burdening myself with things that I simply cannot solve for them. Maybe advice should be shelved for now. Maybe he just needs a friend and someone to make him smile.
23/01/19
Breakfast: Wheatabix, cup of tea
Snack: Blueberries
Lunch: Leftovers - Mexican mix (veg, spinach, seasoning, soya chicken), Ryvita
Dessert - apple
Snack: Mixed nuts
After-work snack: Hot chocolate
Dinner: Homemade corn fritters, boiled potatoes (butter, coriander), quinoa (stock cube, peas), salad (spinach, tomato, cucumber), chilli dipping sauce.
Exercise: Pilates, stretches, weight core.
Snack: Blueberries
Lunch: Leftovers - Mexican mix (veg, spinach, seasoning, soya chicken), Ryvita
Dessert - apple
Snack: Mixed nuts
After-work snack: Hot chocolate
Dinner: Homemade corn fritters, boiled potatoes (butter, coriander), quinoa (stock cube, peas), salad (spinach, tomato, cucumber), chilli dipping sauce.
Exercise: Pilates, stretches, weight core.
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
22/1/19
breakfast: wheatabix/soya. coffee
snack: blueberries, ryvita
lunch: salad with mixed beans and fake chicken, dessert - apple
snack: nuts, sesame seed bar Dinner: Mexican wraps (soya chicken, veg, seasoning) with avocado and salsa
Exercise: pilates and some core exercises
snack: blueberries, ryvita
lunch: salad with mixed beans and fake chicken, dessert - apple
snack: nuts, sesame seed bar Dinner: Mexican wraps (soya chicken, veg, seasoning) with avocado and salsa
Exercise: pilates and some core exercises
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