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 Sometimes I think about killing myself, a lot more than I should. I think about it as release from being this awful shit person and escaping emotions and situations I just can't deal with. And I'm a coward. Someone who can't cope with simple things. A selfish child and pathetic person.  But all the time a part of me is screaming to be included, noticed, actually listened to and seen. I feel no one listens to me, they just hear my voice and sometimes pick up words. Am I just not important enough to listen to? Or is what I say the real problem? I am just sick of everything and i know it hurts others but I'm hurting so much all the time that on some level I want others to see it, to understand how it feels to feel ignored and rejected - all by just feeling like a problem rather than a person. 

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I do hope you're actually okay. I sometimes really can't tell when we message. I know we get tired but we used to video call for hours and now it feels like just staged texts. It's not even been a year and I'm already feeling like there is a distance and i am sure some of this is my fault. I didnt realise how ill i was but relationships seem to break me because i want things to work so badly and yet I'm so frightened of the pain and navigating everything with someone. This is why i want to give everything to you and have nothing left for me because i feel i don't know how to show love properly. I give and just wait for the same back i guess but no self respecting person is gonna empty themselves like that. I just think i dont know how to love and honestly i dont feel like being here anymore. I feel this all the time and it never really goes away. I try to reframe it and change myself but ultimately fear and anger just pull me back to this self hatred. I feel unloved right now. Whether it is true or not i feel it. I feel like no one can see me, i spent all day holding it together and then break apart at night. Crying my eyes out for hours and shaking just wanting to leave but knowing I can't.  Then I zone out for a while. I send texts to check on others, I send you positive messages to let you know that you're not alone and I'm proud of you. I can't feel anything back. I don't feel anything and right now it feels disconnected anyway. I feel like I am a problem not a partner so I work hard to be the right way. But it hurts and the isolation inside makes me feel worthless and not deserving of real love and adoration.  What I feel for you. So I go cold, I shut down and continue on automatic. But it's showing it's ugliness at times and the frustration at me returns, why I can't be better? And again I want to die because I feel i can't truly fit in with anyone. I will mask all my life because seeing my pain is too difficult. Or I'll medicate because my emotions are too much. I feel wrong. But then I'll simmer down, sleep eventually and then get up and start again. Trying to be right and make it all work, give love and go the extra mile to show my children and you how much you mean. Just hoping that all my love will be enough to distract me from the fact I feel empty and that how i feel doesn't really matter.